its the numbness that gets you.

everyone always says family is there for you. they're the ones closest to your heart... and all that bullcrap.

it's going to sound terrible, but i've never really believed that.

still.

isn't it so funny, how one person can cause so much turmoil, so much anger, frustration.. disappointment?

i don't know if i can say that it hurts, because i'm not sure that it does.

i just feel numb.

i don't think i've ever felt like i do now, in my entire life.

never.

and i don't know what to do about it.

over the past three days, i have no idea how many times i've caught myself just sitting there and staring off into nothing. i'm not even particularly doing anything. i'm awake, my eyes are open. but i'm just not thinking at all. nothing's being processed.

work has gotten a lot more challenging. responsibilities are growing and deadlines in uni life are all starting to converge at a single point.

i don't think i'm going to get my first class honours.

friends are the family you choose.

i think my friends are getting a bit uncomfortable around me now. the ones whom i've told anyway. the closest ones at least. i'm thankful that they try. but i do think i am behaving differently. and sometimes when they ask, i tell them the truth. but they lose interest or are distracted, turning away halfway through the conversation. i'd rather you just not ask then... but i don't fault you in any way. it's not easy dealing with emotions.

i guess that's why we have acquaintances sometimes. they help you maintain a stable "self". an opportunity where you can pretend everything's still exactly the same and you smile and laugh and joke around as usual.

until you're alone.

sunday...  has really been bothering me. it just creeps into my thoughts at random times of the day, and it makes me so worried because sometimes i feel like i'm going to burst into tears suddenly. like when i'm in the middle of writing an email to some university rep overseas, asking her to check on her invoice payments.

i've watched more tv shows and movies in the past three days than i have in a really long time. i don't know if that's helping or making it worse.

i had an interview last week. just a simulation-type thing. they said they were worried about the way i handled stress. i completely understand that now.

i feel like talking and not talking to people all at once. i don't know how to balance it out.

today i got so irritated at one of my closer friends, just because of a minor invasion of my personal space. it wasn't even like the person meant to, it's just habit. some people are like that.

i didn't say anything of course.

i feel like that's my response to most things.

somehow, it always finds a way to creep back up, and then it festers, because i'm too much stuck in habit to talk about it. parental issues. it's not like it's abusive or anything. but. i don't know, some things just matter more to some people. no matter how irrational it is.

i don't want to wake up one day when i'm 30, or 45 or even 25.. and realise that the last time i had an actual conversation with her was on a cold rainy saturday when i was 21.

but i also can't make myself talk to her.

i can't believe she did that.

it's not even a big deal, really. i don't know. but somehow.

i don't know.

i hope noodle is ok. i scroll through all the pictures in my phone i took of him on saturday. it makes me tear. but i'm not sure if it's because i miss him or because i'm disappointed, if that's even the right word to use in this case.

i need to expand my vocabulary.

i'm letting this get to me way too much.

i just needed to write.